Conflicted Confidence and Bouncing Back

There comes a point in every single girl's dating career when she loses focus. When she feels lost every time she looks around.  Where am I? How did I get here? She begins to question the things she thinks she wants. She worries if its too late to figure it all out.

Calling yourself into question is a hard mirror to face sometimes.  You think back to past hopes and dreams and you weigh yourself in on the impossible scale of the unattainable 'what if.' That roller coaster is not a fun one, and its even worse if you allow yourself to be lonely while on it. Or, at least, for me.

I found myself on that ride recently. It's not exciting. It's down right fucked up to have to make a defense to your own inner voice.  

Sometimes I can be really hard on myself.

This hormone highway is a bitch, and I know it is a sure sign of berry season, but I that doesn't make it any easier to deal with.

It's hard to feel like myself when I am doubting my own thoughts. When my confidence is shaken I become half of the person I am. My hard won confidence is the only thing keeping me going sometimes, and when it faulters it sends me into a bit of a tail spin.  

Moody doesn't begin to describe it.  

Sad

Angry

Self Loathing

 

Those are the favorites of my emotional torture.  

I know myself well.  It took a long time for me to get me, and on some points I still don't understand, and maybe never will.

One of those confounding attributes is the changeability of my mood.  As easily as I sink into the traitorous waters of depression, I bounce back with a vengeance.  Bi-Polar. Indeed.  I may not understand it, it may not be easy, but I do know how to give myself a leg up.

One of the easiest ways to get me out of a funk is to hang out with good friends and have a laugh.  Avoidance.  I put it to the side, put on some lipstick, do my eyebrows, and pretend that I feel pretty.  It may not always work.  It greatly depends on the people around, and their perspective moods, but given the right circumstances, my lack of confidence only lasts a short time.

It was brought to my attention recently that the presence of a cute interesting boy should not be such a great mood influence, but I ask why.  People, in general, influence all of our moods on a daily basis, and no matter what you do, you will never fully get away from that.  So what, if some male attention puts a smile on my face.  Why shouldn't it?  A good friend and conversation easily does the same.  I feel lucky that I know my own needs, especially after not knowing for so long.

Knowing yourself is important, and experimentation is the key to knowing yourself.  You have to take yourself out of your comfort zone.  When you feel the worst is when you should push the hardest.  After all, what if your happiness lies behind the door you are too afraid to open.

How well do you know yourself, readers?

What brings on your downward spiral?

How do you get your smile back?

That Nasty Little Love Thing

Take 2.

I had planned for this blog to be the debut of my ipad blogging experience, but alas I am a dumbass. 

I never save things when I should!!

So.  This was/is supposed to be about love.  I wrote out this whole scene of my first time. and how it was all kind of like a dream, and my whole outlook on the experience of being in love, but now, you get the short version.

Some of you may be thanking me... You are welcome.

Anyway... Down to the nitty gritty.

I love you.

Duuuute!

That shit is heavy.  It can make or break you in a second.  Those three little words have been getting some serious air time from the dawn of time, and let's face it.  Why shouldn't it?

That is pretty much the greatest compliment you can give someone.  It only has such strings attached because of all the stigma surrounding it.

The One.

Now there is a fairy tale you hear repeated on the radio and television and pretty much anything else.  I don't know if I fully buy into it though, to be honest.

I prefer to think of it more like a collection.  I will have many loves.  Some that fade.  Some that morph.  Some that were never meant to last.  Others that grow stronger.  Still others that are never realized, or admitted.  Some may even coincide.

A web of memories, shared secrets and whispered affections.

Nothing is forever, and yet everything lives on.

I love you.

I wish it wasn't such a hard word.  Such weight.  I can easily say it to friends and family.  The ease of it, astounding.  Yet romantic love, that is supposed to be reserved, or if it isn't and things end, are we supposed to question it?  Why?

Just because things end or morph into something different, why does that automatically mean that the experience is less important or real.

That's just the way it is.  Life is ever changing, and we just have to learn how to roll with the punches and get what we can out of it.

How many times have you been in love?

How do you know it's real?

When is an appropriate time frame in which to say those three deadly words?

First Impressions, Assumptions, and Judgements

I am the kind of girl who likes things pretty straight forward.  I don't like a lot of beating around the bush, and because of that, I am pretty frank myself.

I also have a bit of a soft spot for the nerdy type.  There is not much else as sexy as a guy with some intelligence and a dirty mind, wrapped up in a seemingly corruptible package.

It is the contrast, for me, I think.  The whole looks can be deceiving thing.

I like a guy that can both be told and tell.  I think its that Switch thing. - Another day.

I guess that means, that like every girl, or everyone else, I am a bit of a hypocrite. 

Up front but also deceptive.   What a combination. 

Dating on the whole is like that anyway.  Dancing around truth and deception, to see if two people click.  When you are getting to know someone, like that, it is way easier to hide the crazy rather than letting that freak flag fly.  My biggest deception, tho I try my best not to let it be that, is the fact that I date multiple guys. Well, that and I am bat shit crazy.

Surprisingly, most guys don't like that.

I don't get it.  Less work right?

Sometimes tho, it's not an issue.  That in itself is like a breath of fresh air.  

I'd like to tell you, that I have had more of those moments than not, but alas, most of the guys that I see take my lifestyle a bit grudgingly.  At least at first.  I have had a couple come around to the idea, but for the most part, they are not so happy about it.

I bring this up because I recently went on a date with a guy off an online site.  We never met before, but it turns out we had a mutual friend.  

I usually like to have a few conversations online or via text before I actually meet someone, just to kind of get a feel for them, but in this case the conversation was somewhat minimal, compared to some, but because of the friend of a friend thing I was a bit more lenient, and we made a date to meet. 

Then I flaked. 

Then he, kinda, flaked.

I admit, I had a few doubts after the flakiness, but my friend told me to give him a chance, and I am nothing if not trusting of my friends.

Finally the time comes.

I walk from my car to the theater and all I see is this cute guy with a curly sorta mop of hair leaning against the wall, hands in pocket.

The things that run through your mind during that first moment.

Introductions were made; tickets were bought; then as we made our way to the door he voiced that I was thinking. 'At least you are pretty' he said as we walked in.  I had chosen another adjective, but the sentiment was the same.

Don't lie.  It is always better if you find someone attractive. 

The movie, tho not one I would have chosen, turned out to be good, but by the end I had also learned a little bit about my cute mop headed friend, and it didn't take long for him to prove me right.

It's kind of like a sixth sense, sometimes, knowing when I guy is into you.

Waiting on them to make a move, well... that can be hell.  Depending on how brave a guy we are talking about.  Luckily this guy was on point. 

I like that in a guy.  Someone that goes for what they want. Someone not afraid to strike out.  It can totally change the mood of the night.  

What started out as an evening of almost complete mystery, had now become a hot make out session in the back of an empty theater. 

Oh how I love public make outs!! Or well anything a little on the 'dangerous' side without actually being 'dangerous,' - Also for another day.

What a night.

I love it when a man surprises me in a good way.  First impressions can be deceiving, even more so with just online messages and texting.   Nothing beats a good face to face.

I will most definitely be seeing my mop haired friend again, soon, because not only is he super cute with a great smile, and the ability to make me laugh, but he is also very okay with the fact that I am seeing other guys. No matter how many times I hear it, I have to admit that it is super refreshing, to have someone be that okay with it, and also be someone fun to hang out with, and to have it happen so soon, and nonchalantly, well, it is a blessing of its own making. 

Is kinda crazy how things work out.  I am glad the universe was on my side, at least about this.  It seems I have added another notch in my lipstick case, and I couldn't be more comfortable with it.

What are you attracted to readers?

Is it more physical or emotional or maybe intellectual...?

Would you prefer up front or do you like to tip toe around and feel people out before you unload?

What was your last date like?

Did they surprise you or was it predictable?

There is nothing worse for me than predictable.  It's funny because as we were talking, he told me that our mutual friend had mentioned that I get bored quickly.  What an excellent observation.  I do get bored quite easily, but to have someone refer to me like that, so concisely, is both awesome and not.  Awesome because its true, but not so awesome because it makes me wonder what made them think that...

Is it the awesomeness that I see in myself just thriving for change, or is it something derogatory?

I guess that's just the way it is tho.  You have to base things on how you feel, not the supposed thoughts of others, and right now I feel pretty darn good about myself, and I don't give a fuck what you think. 

How do you feel about yourselves readers? 

How do your friends describe you?

Are they right?

Do you care?

Let me know what you think...

With The Moon, The Tide.

I saw the full moon.  It was glorious.

The moon guides the tide.

The tide.

The red tide.

Yep.  The beauty of womanhood.



FUCK that!!


A blogger friend from way back used the term 'Berries' for it, and to this day it is my favorite.


So let me tell you a story, of berries.


A while back I had a friend, of a certain sort.   We stopped seeing each other before H and I started dating, but since the parting, we have started talking again.

Until a few nights ago, this had been a strictly friendly sort of thing.  Nothing in the way of intimacies, tho it was apparent that we both had fond memories.

On this night we met up for drinks, and after a very long day, I was super tired, and he offered to let me take a nap.

Right....

Suddenly it was on.

Like a match to gasoline. 

A rush.

After, as I set up, and looked down at the wet sheets...

My stomach sank. 

FUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!

Lort.  I don't know if anyone has ever been there, but that is no fucking fun.

None.

Not a smidgen.


I felt instantly dirty and terrible.

Thankfully, my friend was completely great about it.

That never was an issue with him.  A fact I had known previous to this, but I still feel embarrassed by it, to this very moment, yet, at the same time, I am writing about it.

The fact is that shit is gunna happen.  It's a risk you have to take.

If you don't take it you miss out on the good shit.

It happened.  It sucked!

I still went back for seconds.


Ladies, hell even Gents, has this every happened to you?

How was your last red wing event?


I have heard that there are people who actually like it. 

I am not personally opposed, if the moment it right, but I do not like being surprised with berries, there are precautions to take after all.

Unwanted Come Ons, Standards, and Ways to Turn Up the Heat.

People ask me, sometimes, how I see myself.  If I think I am 'hott' or 'pretty' or 'ugly', or whatever.

My answer has changed over the years. 

10 years ago, I would have said I was okay, but I wouldn't have meant it.  I didn't think anything of myself really.  Now tho, I feel completely different.  I wouldn't consider myself conceited by any means, but I do have a healthy respect for my own self.

More than ever in my life, probably.

I am happy with who I am and what I look like.  I may not be a beauty, but I am comfortable in my own skin, and that is what matters most to me.

Honestly, the tattoos have helped me feel more myself.  I have altered my body with decorations of my own choosing and I have become more of myself with their help.

I don't, however, attribute all of my, so called, confidence to the tattoos.  Most of it comes from getting older, learning life's lessons, and discovering the benefits to the 'fuck it' attitude, but as with anything, there is always the balance of a down side.

The downside to confidence, is that you get hit on by more people. 

I know. I know.

Super bad, right...

The bad actually comes when you look up to find a guy older than your grandpa staring at you, asking to play a game of pool, standing way too close.

or

The greasy toothless regular asking you for your number for the 5th time.


I try not to be one of those girls who get all cuntalicious about it, so I just laugh it off and go on my way, but as it happens, some people just don't get the hint.


The wing lady and I found a new bar recently, and a few nights ago, as we were posted up at the bar trying not to get sucked into the TV, having a great time enjoying our little date night, it becomes apparent that we have brought our A-game.

Thankfully the bartenders are fabulous and managed to save us from hurting some poor guys' feelings. 

I hate being in that position. 

I remember back when I didn't feel so great about myself, and how hard it would be for me, personally, to go up to anyone and hit on them, even now. 

I don't want to be the bitch at the bar that was too good to have a beer, but at the same time, I don't want to give false hope to those who don't have a chance.

It's a fine line.

Its something that both intrigues me and disturbs me, how my standards have changed.  I am not one to judge solely on looks alone, and never will be, but there are somethings that I just have a hard time over looking.

Teeth.  That word in itself is a bit scary for me.  Those that know me well, know of my very real fear of dentists and oral things in general, and also of my own personal dissatisfaction with my own mouth.  Judging someone on teeth is like a constant hypocritical battle with me, but I can't deny it.

As it seems... I attract the dentally impaired.  So much so, that at work, I now have a rule...  

Don't call me for anything less than teeth and tattoos.

Good tattoos.

Thats another bit of a standard I have.  If you don't have them thats cool.  Gatta like mine tho. 

If you have them, by all means show them off, but don't be surprised that I don't like your jail house stuff, and for the love of Got, don't tell me to go see your guy who works out of his kitchen.

Seriously.

If you meet up to the standards, and you feel like you can deal with my crazy ideals...  I may just give you the flirt in return.

Once you have the go ahead, there are a few things that can help you seal the deal... if you are interested.

Some sure fire ways to catch my attention... 

Be funny!  That is the sure fire easiest way to win my attention.  Make a funny comment.  Give me a corny come on.  Catch me off guard and make me laugh out loud.

Don't be too obvious.  Have a conversation with me.  Invest in a beer or two.

Touch me.  Don't be weird, but touch is powerful.  Brush against my hand or my arm while you talk.  Let me know you are interested. 

Tell me something interesting.  I love stories.  Give me a bit of incite into your mind.

Once you are there...

Don't be afraid to make your move.  I love a confident guy who isn't afraid to kiss me right there outside the bar. 


What erks you about dating?
How do you let someone know you arn't interested?
You have any make or break standards?
What catches your eye?

Tell me a tale, readers.

Rock Steady